Being Becca: Thoughts on the Five Year Anniversary of my transition

November 1st was the Five Year Anniversary of when I began living full-time as Becca. I must be getting old and losing track of time because it sure doesn’t seem like it’s been five years already! But one thing I do know for certain is that I’ve lived life more in these last five years than I did the rest of my life combined. Or I should say I’ve lived more for myself in the past five years; prior to that my life was full and rewarding but in different ways. I was living for others, being a son and a husband and dad, which left little time to deal with my gender issues and figuring out who I really was.

I’ve been working on writing this for a while but it’s been a real struggle. Normally this is the type of column that would be easy to write, so I’m not sure why it’s been so difficult. I suspect part of it is that my mind is clogged with a big jumble of thoughts that I can’t seem to arrange into anything resembling a coherent idea. I really want to write about how far I’ve come over the past five years and to celebrate all the ways my life has changed for the better, but I can’t seem to get in the right frame of mind to see those things. There have been so many ups and downs since I transitioned and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. So, what you’re reading is a combination of two separate, very different columns I wrote and tried to cobble together into something that made sense and was readable. Hopefully I succeeded!

I’ve changed a lot over these past five years, in ways that are both obvious and subtle. Physically, when I look at myself now I see very little resemblance to my old male self. I weigh about 25 pounds less than I used to and feel sleek and slender, my skin is different, my body mass has been redistributed, and I have boobs and an ass now! But it’s more than just how my body looks and feels, it’s also how it moves and reacts. I now move in a way that is more graceful and fluid, and feels feminine to me. It feels right, like it’s supposed to. Along with the physical changes have come an acceptance of who I am and I’ve learned to like myself. As a guy I felt so ugly and I avoided looking in mirrors because I hated how I looked. The person I saw in the mirror didn’t match the person I knew I really was, and that was hard to deal with. So the fact that I can look in the mirror now and be happy with what I see may seem like a little thing, but to me it’s huge.

While the physical changes may be more readily apparent, it’s the emotional changes which have been most pronounced. I’m at peace with myself and have found a sense of happiness I never had before, which has allowed me to grow in so many ways and expand my world. People who know me now would not have recognized me even a few years ago. I was so shy and introverted and had very little self-confidence, mostly because I didn’t like myself. The people in my life who knew me had more faith in me than I had in myself, but that slowly began to change as I grew comfortable in my new life and started to believe in myself. And then I got into modeling and that changed everything.

Simply put, having the opportunity to model has been a game changer. I stepped out of my shell and blossomed into the woman I’d always dreamed of being. Self-confidence is an amazing thing! I finally figured out who I was and really started living life to its fullest. I made friends and had a social life and shared so many amazing experiences with people I care about. Everything seemed to fall in place and I eventually reached the point where I was able to have a voice in the trans community and the adult entertainment industry through my writing, and discovered my passion in life.  It’s been an amazing two years, with so many wonderful memories. I wish this was the end of the story and I could stop here, but unfortunately with all the positives there have also been some negatives.

One of the things about being transgender is that it forces you to be strong and teaches us we can survive a lot more than we might have given ourselves credit for. Transitioning is a process in which we learn things through trial and error, we suffer through setbacks and rejoice in our small victories. We learn determination and perseverance and to keep our eye on the prize no matter how hopeless things seem. And there are times when it feels like we’ve suffered too many losses and too much pain and that we’ll never reach the point where we can live the kind of life we’re working towards. But somehow, if we have the fortitude to keep moving forward, along with the support of friends and the community, we make it. And we realize all the hardships and pain were worth it to be able to live a life where we can be our authentic selves; to actually like who we are. To be able to love ourselves.

But what happens when the people you care most about don’t like this new person you’ve become, the real you? I feel like I’ve worked hard at becoming the person I should be, and that I’m a happier and better person than I was before. Yet my sister and one of my sons no longer want me in their life, so what does that say about me? I guess I’m struggling with trying to figure out who I am; whether I’m the terrible person my sister and son make me out to be or the person I used to feel good about and who everyone else seems to think is so nice. I feel like I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder, both screaming at me. I know my sense of worth should come from within and not based on what others say, but it’s different when the people saying the negative things are family. To know that my own son and sister don’t like me enough to want me in their life has shaken me to the core. But the most painful thing is not having my grandson in my life anymore. I can’t just deal with it and move on or ignore it; it’s always there, a raw wound that get peeled open every time I see or hear a baby and get reminded of what I’ve lost.

And that is why writing this column has been so difficult. I have never doubted my decision to transition or had any regrets. I know in my heart I made the right choice. I transitioned to become the person I knew I was and to find the happiness that had been eluding me, and for the first time in my life I felt good about myself and was happy. But it has come at a steep price; I lost two of the people who mattered the most to me, and my precious grandson was taken from my life. And I can’t get past that; for all the positives that have come from transitioning, those losses overshadow everything and make me question things I used to be certain about. What kind of person am I? Was it worth it? And as of right now, those questions remain unanswered.